Taking Time to Calm the Panic

18 August 22

I tend to do the big, bold, scary things all at once, allowing myself no time to back out or even contemplate changing course.  I am painfully indecisive on a daily basis with the most mundane of decisions.  Cripplingly so.  But once I have made a decision on a big, bold move, I go all in and all at once.  There has been enough gaslighting in my past to fuel the world’s vehicles for the rest of eternity, so a pause long enough to reconsider my decisions is all the foothold an emotional abuser needs to crack that closing door wide open and reinsert themselves on my reality.

As such, I’ve allowed myself exactly zero time to take a timeout, assess, evaluate.  I’ve bulldozed my way through this giant life change exactly as I have bulldozed my way through every other giant life change before this one.  I know that I am following my intuition and my heart, and that’s all I need to know, dammit.  The rest of my emotions can fall in line or get the hell out of the way.

During any of these forcefully rapid evolutions, I am ripping my way away from what is known in favor of the unknown.  In many cases, the known has been incredibly painful and destructive for quite a while before I finally leap into the abyss.  In finally breaking away from toxic situations, an interminable questioning voice hums and buzzes in the background, whispering tantalizing promises that the known, even the unhappy known, is far more comfortable than the unknown.  It’s not always an easy voice to ignore, but it is a voice I can forge forward in spite of, knowing I cannot force myself back into a box that I’ve outgrown.  Before, when I’d find myself adrift, alone, and afraid, even in the face of that miserable niggling voice nagging me to go back to the known, I held a firm conviction that backwards meant spirit-crushing death.  And while forging ahead into the unknown held zero assurances, forward, nonetheless, was the only clear path away from pain.  

This time around, I have no such self-assured awareness.  This time I had a wonderful, comfortable life.  I loved the work I was doing, the people I worked with.  I had so much pride in the level I’d achieved in my career.  I loved my comfortable home and my comfortable life.  I worked hard, and I played just as hard (which I could afford because I worked so hard).  This time around, there was absolutely nothing wrong, no toxic energy eroding my soul.  There was nothing wrong in my life this time.  I simply knew it was time to grow and evolve.  But that means this time, that fear voice shrieks just a little louder, its arguments more valid, and so it’s a lot more difficult to push past.

The intent was not to willfully launch myself into pain, of course, when I chose to embark on this latest journey.  I simply followed my intuition around another blind, dark corner.  My intuition has yet to lead me astray, but damn, could it lend me a flashlight or a compass just one time?!

So I had the inevitable imminent breakdown.  Knew it was coming.  Felt it coming from day one of this rapid-fire evolution I’ve demanded of myself.  A beloved mentor pointed out that usually when she has her breakdowns, her breakthroughs are just around the corner.  Looking back over my history, I recognize this truth.  Directly on the heels of something that feels insurmountably, cripplingly painful follows the most amazing, powerful transformation.  Caterpillars don’t become butterflies overnight, nor do they do so without radical change.  And radical change is inevitably painful.

I’m still in cocoon stage with this one.  Big parts of me want to crack the cocoon wide open and go back to being a happy, fat caterpillar.  Bigger parts of me can’t wait to see how I’ll emerge this time.

The train has gone a little rogue and runaway on me, I’ll admit.  I needed to stop reacting from a place of fear and overwhelm and to finally give myself the grace to sit with the fear and regret over the destruction of all of my comforts for a little while to make enough space for me to breathe and reevaluate, get back on track.

So I’m doing a little bit of a sit still for a few days.  I’m remembering to breathe, meditate, eat.  My calmer self already thanks me as I sit alone on a very comfortable residential patio, far away from the city bustle, enjoying the cooler weather, watching a storm approaching.  More on the circumstances of my current housing in a different, fascinating blog about interesting choices made from deep within a place of fear and overwhelm.  But for today, finally, I have caught my breath if not yet my footing.